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Showing posts with label Anne R. Allen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anne R. Allen. Show all posts

Six Pieces of Bad Advice New Writers Need to Ignore

Posted by Unknown On Sunday, January 19, 2014 0 comments


A couple of weeks ago, when I wrote a post about writing as a hobby as opposed to a profession (hint: they're both good choices), I got a couple of comments from new writers who were discouraged to read how much work and dedication it takes to become a professional writer.

They can be forgiven for being unaware of the realities, since so much misinformation about the business of writing has become part of our general culture.

From Ernest Hemingway's self-mythologizing to tales of fictional writers like Jessica Fletcher, Richard Castle, and Owen Wilson's character in Midnight in Paris, we've been shown a romanticized—and mostly untrue—picture of what it's like to be a writer.

The indie revolution has brought a whole new twist to the myth-making. New writers now hear all they have to do is write a book, put it on Amazon, send out a few Tweets, and they're off to big-bux land in the footsteps of Amanda Hocking and Hugh Howey.

And for some reason, everybody who's ever watched Oprah (or Richard and Judy in the UK) thinks they know all about what it takes to be a professional writer. Tell somebody you write and you'll immediately get lots of clueless advice from the "civilians" around you—from your family to your hairdresser to that know-it-all guy at work.

But the truth is, writing for a living is hard. If you love it, that won't stop you for a minute, but if you believe there are shortcuts, you're going to be awfully disappointed.

Here are six pieces of bad advice it's best to ignore if you want to launch a successful writing career.

1) Start with genre fiction, because it's easy to write.


People will tell you to start with something “easy” like a romance/mystery/kid’s book.

Yeah, I heard that one a lot when I was starting out. So the first book I tried to write was a romance. I spent nearly eight months on it. Oh, what a disaster!  I learned the hard way that every genre takes years to learn to write well. And if you don’t love a genre and read it voraciously, you’ll never be good enough enough to gain an audience.

This is true whether you self-publish or go the traditional route.

Readers are just as picky as agents when it comes to choosing what they buy. They don't want fill-in-the blanks fiction. They want passion and originality within their genre.

Also, if your book is successful in getting a traditional publisher or a bunch of fans, they're going to want more of the same. Whatever genre you succeed in is the one you'll be expected to write throughout your career. Why would you do that with a genre you don't love?


2) Write about vampires/zombies/dystopian YA/mommy porn: that's what's selling.


Alas, traditional publishing has smoked its last 50 Shades cigarette and sneaked out the back door without leaving a note. Dystopian apocalypses have met their Armageddon. Vampires and zombies have been safely returned to their graves, and werepersons, angel/demons and witch/warlocks have been banished to the shadows from whence they came.

The known authors in these genres are still selling, but traditional publishing is saturated and won't look at new writers in most of these genres. You can self-publish, but you'll be on the tail end of a waning trend, so you'll need to bring something original to it.

The big trends in traditional publishing are usually over by the time the general public hears about them. By the time something's big on TV or film, it's been played out in the publishing industry.

As I said in #1, only write what you love. If you simply adore the undead, your passion may bring a new spark to the genre and you may find a great niche audience in the indie market. But only write in the currently popular genres if they are at the top of your own reading list.

Writing to trends almost always backfires, as I found out myself. Back in the 1980s, I tried to write a "glitz" novel. Glitz was super-hot at the time. Judith Kranz and Jackie Collins were queens of the genre (and the bestseller lists.) The stories involved lots of designer name-dropping and steamy sex. But no matter how hard I worked at glorifying sex and money, the book turned out funny.

I was actually writing chick lit, but I didn't know that because it hadn't been invented yet. I still write chick lit, a genre that had its heyday at the beginning of the millenium. But I didn't write it because I was trying to follow a trend. It's what I like to read.

I'm not telling you to dump your ms. in one of these genres, or even that your books in these genres won't sell as indies. But don't write in a genre just because it's selling right now, because it's probably oversaturated.

3) Querying agents is a good way to get feedback.


I often hear new writers encouraging each other to "send it out: it can't hurt to try." (This often comes from your critique group, who are re-e-e-e-ally tired of reworking chapter one for the sixteenth time.)

But actually, it can hurt. A lot. Rejection is no fun. Why invite it when it means nothing? And a rejection from an agent means just that: zip, zilch, nada.

These days, most agents don't give feedback of any kind. Even the gentlest suggestion can backfire when upset authors retaliate with nasty return emails or worse...much worse.

That's why a good percentage of agents don't respond to queries at all unless they're interested, and most of the others send a one sentence generic note along the lines of "this does not fit our needs at this time."

Every writing group and forum is full of complaints from new authors who are trying to read meaning into those one-liners. But believe me, they only mean your book didn't tick off all the boxes on the list of what the agent's contacts at the Big Five are looking for this week. That's ALL.

For more on what rejections really mean, here's Ruth Harris's post on the subject.

There's also the problem that if your query is especially clueless, the agent may remember your name, and not in a good way.

DO NOTE: Agents don't get paid for reading your queries. They don't owe you feedback. They only get paid when they sell a book, and if your book isn't ready to sell, you're clogging up the pipeline and slowing down the process for other writers (like maybe you, a couple of years from now) who really are ready to publish.

The way to get feedback is to join a critique group or find a beta reader.

There are lots of opportunities for these online. Some can be snarky and useless, so do check with other users before you put your fledgling writing out there. Kristen Lamb's WANATribe.com is a bully-free, friendly community where you can meet beta readers. Two other great resources are are CritiqueCircle.com and SheWrites.  GalleyCat has a great new sign-up system for finding the right critique group.

Also the wonderful Jami Gold has a valuable post this week on how to find beta readers. 

For more on querying agents, we're going to have a guest post in March from agent Pam Van Hylckama Vlieg (yes, the one who was attacked by the crazed rejected author a couple of years ago) She's now a partner at Foreword Literary Agency and she'll be talking about the changing guidelines for queries.

4) You can launch a career with one book.


Blame the movies: the writer-hero struggles to finish that opus, finally types the last page, sends it to an agent and voila!—he has a contract and a book tour and he's an overnight millionaire.

This doesn’t happen anymore. If it ever did.

For self-publishers, it's almost impossible to get a readership with one book. Most successful marketing of self-published books is based on free and cheap deals to entice readers to come in and sample your work so they'll buy more. If there's no "more", all you're doing is giving away the store. Both Howey and Hocking had close to ten books a piece before they started making the big sales.

And even if you're going the traditional route, you need at least two books. I know this from experience, too.

I landed an agent with one of my first chick lit queries, and she had it six months and almost made a deal with Bantam. But did I use that time to work hard on a second book? No. I wasted my leisure hours obsessing about stupid stuff like whether I should quit my day job and what I'd wear on a book tour. (Yeah, I was running one of those movies in my head the whole time.)

When the deal fell through, my agent asked if I had anything else. I didn't. So she dropped me. I thought I could regain the magic with another agent, but by then the book had been out on submission to editors and no agent would touch it. I was back at square one with an unpublishable manuscript.

These days, most authors have to query agents for years, then when they get a deal, it's usually for multiple books. If you don't have those manuscripts waiting in the hopper, you'd better be good at writing very, very fast (while going on blog tours and social networking like mad.) 

And that book tour? These days they don't happen for anybody but superstars. Tours for newer authors simply don't offer a good return on investment except for reality TV stars or politicians with SuperPacs to buy up all the books.

5) Just finish the book, throw it up on Amazon and let the customer reviews tell you what needs editing.


No. No. NO!! This one makes me cringe. I still see lots of writers telling each other this nonsense in forums, and even some of the big self-publishing gurus advocate it.

But they are not doing new writers any favors. 

First of all, this gives ammunition to every self-publishing hater out there. You're creating the very "tsunami of crap" indies are accused of perpetrating.

And using Amazon or Goodreads customer reviewers as your critique group is one of the worst ideas ever.

Anybody who thinks they're going to learn anything from online reviews hasn't read them. 

Could George Orwell have learned from this review of 1984?

"I highly reccomend that you DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. And please for the love of God don't read that "Brave New World" book by Hoxley. It is twice as worse as 1984. To put it bluntly, DON'T READ ANY GEORGE ORWELL. Your just waisting your time.""

Or maybe Tolstoy could have improved Anna Karenina after reading this?

"If you see Anna for $5 at your neighbor's garage sale, go ahead and buy it. Hollow it out, and stash a handgun in there. Leave it next to your toilet if you have unwanted guests. Beat your disobedient child with it. Put it in your fireplace and have a nice glass of vodka. Just don't read it! You have been warned."

Donna Tartt's The Goldfinch, which tops pretty much everybody's "Best of 2013" lists has nearly 200 one-star reviews on Amazon with enlightening comments like this:

"This book is too depressing and sad. I have yet to finish it. Just when I think it will get better something else bad happens."

Right. Don't let anything bad happen to your characters, Ms. Tartt. We want books about nice people watching paint dry.

All you can tell from one-star customer reviews is that the reviewer was probably having a bad day. They do not help you write better books.

See #3 for suggestions of places to get useful feedback.

Then hire an editor. 


6) Don’t waste time on short fiction.


This is another one I fell for. I spent way too much time working on unpublishable novels instead of honing my craft with short fiction that could build a list of credits and establish my brand.

People will still tell you that short stories are a waste of time because they don’t make any money, but that has all changed with the ebook (see my posts on "Why you Should be Writing Short Fiction" and "Short is the New Long".)

Here are some reasons to write short-form fiction

  • Short stories are the best place to hone your skills. 
  • Short stories make money these days, both as stand-alone ebooks and in anthologies 
  • Publishing credits for short fiction and essays makes you more attractive to agents, publishers and readers. 
  • Winning a story contest gives your self-confidence a boost. (And you might even win a little cash.)
  • It’s a whole lot easier to publish a short story than a novel: there are thousands of literary magazines and contests in the US, but only five major book publishing houses. 

Short is definitely the new long right now. Novellas are having a renaissance, too. (In February we will host Paul Alan Fahey, author of a series of popular novellas. He'll offer a nuts-and-bolts formula for writing a compelling novella.)

What about you, scriveners? Have you followed any of this bad advice? What other writing misinformation have you heard? I had too much to list in one post, so I'll be writing about this again in February. Anything to add to my list?


BOOK OF THE WEEK

This month, Sherwood, Ltd is 99c for Kindle US, UK, Nook, and FREE on Smashwords and on Kobo. And for book-sniffers (I have to admit to some closet book-sniffing myself) it is available in paper for the marked-down price of $8.54 (regularly $8.99 on Amazon and $12.99 in stores.) It's also on sale in paper in the in the UK for £6.81.




"A wily tale of murder, deceit, and intrigue that can stand with the best of them. Her characters are all too real and her dialogue took me from laughter to chills to suspicion of everybody in the book...Read this book. It will be well worth the time."...David Keith at Smashwords


"One uses the term 'romping good yarn' advisedly but in fact this tale is exactly that. Aspiring author and failed A-lister Camilla, desperate for funds and affection, joins forces with a publishing team that beggars description. The similarities between the legend of Robin Hood and this story are subtle, the links never overdone or cliched. The narrative leaps from one twist to the next turn with pace and energy. The characters are delightfully off-centre and the hero? Well, he is definitely of a kind to swing down from the trees armed with bow and nocked arrow."...Prue Batten, author of the Guy of Gisborne series

BTW although Sherwood has all 5-star reviews on Smashwords, its Amazon buy page has had a visit from a couple of bullies who object to my "behavior" (i.e. writing a 2011 blogpost urging non-techie grandmas to write reviews). If you have read and enjoyed the book, some genuine reviews would be very welcome, especially on Amazon.


OPPORTUNITY ALERTS


Glamour Magazine "My Real Life Story" Essay Contest NO ENTRY FEE. $5000 prize, plus possible publication in Glamour. Creative nonfiction. Must be factual and appropriate for a Glamour audience. 2500-3500 words. Deadline February 1st.

GLIMMER TRAIN FAMILY MATTERS CONTEST $1500 prize, plus publication in Glimmer Train Stories, plus 20 copies. $15 ENTRY FEE. They're looking for stories about families of all configurations. It's fine to draw on real experiences, but the work must read like fiction. Maximum word count: 12,000. Any shorter lengths are welcome. Deadline: March 31, 2014.

Dog Lovers! AMERICAN KENNEL CLUB FICTION WRITING CONTEST NO ENTRY FEE. Submit one short story, maximum 2,000 words. Entries can be on any subject, but must feature a dog. (But it can't talk) Prizes $500, $240, $100. Deadline January 31.

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The Rules of Writing...and Why Not To Follow Them

Posted by Unknown On Sunday, December 22, 2013 0 comments


Somerset Maugham famously said, "There are three rules for writing. Unfortunately, nobody knows what they are."

But pretty much everybody you meet in the publishing business will give you a list of them. (One is "never start a sentence with 'there are'" —so watch yourself, Mr. Maugham.)

Last year I read a great post by editor Jamie Chavez about what she calls the "Secret Fiction Rule Book." I wrote about it on the blog last year at holiday time. I got so many grateful comments, I decided to talk about breaking rules again this year, and offer a new version of my little verse, "The Beginning Writers' Rule Book."

The "secret writing rules" are the ones you hear at conferences, critique groups, and forums: the ones people say you MUST follow to be a successful novelist—although as an avid reader, you somehow never ran into them before you started writing.

Jamie pointed out that nobody knows where these rules come from, or why so many great books have become classics without following a single one.

Don't get me wrong: most of these rules involve solid advice, but if you follow them rigidly, you'll end up with wooden, formulaic prose that nobody is going to want to read.

Do learn them. It's much more fun to break rules when you know what they are. But then go ahead and smash them with happy abandon.

Here are some more of my unfavorites.

1. Show, don't tell  


Authors who follow this rule closely can write such murky stuff you never know what's going on.

Is this really the best way to present a character? "He wore a helmet with a wide brim, longer in the back to protect the neck, big black boots, a protective coat, and overalls held up with red suspenders. He smelled of ashes and soot."

Why not just tell us he's a fire fighter? After three pages of these guessing games, the building has burned down and WE DO NOT CARE.

2. Eliminate all adverbs 


Seriously? Even when you're writing in the voice of someone who is, um, rather vague?

3. No prologues 


Yeah, I admit I've preached the no-prologue gospel in many posts. That's because so many beginning authors use a prologue for info-dumping. But our readers keep pointing out that George R. R. Martin seems to do OK, and he loves him some prologues.

I think it depends on your genre and what your readers expect. Personally, I usually skip the prologue, but I'll go back to it later if the book grabs me.

4. You must write every day


Nothing should be done every day. Moderation in all things. Including moderation.

5. You must blog to have a successful writing career


Now even agents are seeing the silliness of this dictum. There are many paths to writing success. For me, blogging is the easiest way to build an online presence, but not everybody likes to blog. If you hate it, readers can tell.

You can get a lot of exposure with well-placed guest blog posts and a strong presence in other social media. Some writers are best at spreading a wide net on Twitter, Pinterest, Facebook and Google Plus, and others only use a single blog, or develop a following in one community like RedRoom or Wattpad.

Every publishing path is different. You should plan one that fits with your personality and writing style.

6. Eliminate all cliches


Unless your characters are wildly inventive poets, strange visitors from another planet, or children fostered by wolves, their dialogue and thoughts will include familiar expressions. Don’t rob your Scarlett O’Hara of her "fiddle dee-dees" or deprive your Bogart of "doesn’t amount to a hill of beans."

7. Write from only one point of view


Multiple points of view in one sentence—or even one chapter—can be clumsy and confusing, (and they drive me crazy), but novels with several points of view separated by chapters can be richer and have more depth.


8. Eliminate the words "was", "that" and "just" 


This is one that just makes my blood boil. I wrote a whole blogpost about the "was" police.

9. Happy endings are required and kids can't die


Jamie Chavez addressed the dying kid thing in her post. This is why Little Women has been such an obscure failure, right? Beth should not have died! And Rhett Butler should not have walked out on Scarlet with that rude line at the end of Gone with the Wind. Books like those could never become commercially successful, right?

10. Never repeat a word in the same paragraph 


Would A Tale of Two Cities have been improved if its first line read: "It was the best of times; it was the worst of historical eras." (And Mr. Dickens, the "was" police will be all over sentence!)

Or Anna Karenina with this: "Happy families are all alike; every morose clan is despondent in its own way."

Thesaurisitis can be a worse problem than breaking the secret rules.


Here is a little verse I stole from Dorothy Parker wrote about those rules, based on Dorothy Parker's hilarious poem, "The Lady's Reward".


Rules for the Beginning Novelist
…with apologies to Dorothy Parker

Newbie author, never pen
Background story till page ten.
Use no flashbacks—no, nor prologue.
Never start your book with di’logue.
Set the hero’s hair on fire.
Keep the situation dire.
Write in genres tried and true
From a single point of view.
Tell your tale in linear time.
Avoid a plot that strains the mind.
No dead kids, bad priests, abuse
Or politics in your debuts.
Copy last year's biggest hit.
No one wants to read new @#%*
Make it light but never funny.
(Humor’s too subjective, honey.)

And if that gets you published kid,
You’ll be the first it ever did.

Have a very Merry Solstice Season, everybody!

At the 2013 Grammy Awards, Neil Patrick Harris introduced the band Fun this way: "As legendary gangster-rap icon Katharine Hepburn once said,
'if you follow all the rules, you miss all the fun'." 
So listen to Katherine Hepburn and have fun this season, everybody!

What about you, scriveners?  Have you run into the "Secret Writing Rules" book? What are your unfavorite writing rules?

We Have TWO Books of the Week!!


The Lady of the Lakewood Diner is finally here! 
$2.99 at Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon CA

Anne's new comic novel about the Boomer generation and the myth of the Golden Age.


Many thanks to Keri Knutson of Alchemy Book Covers for the hilarious cover! 

NOSTALGIA AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE...

Who shot Morgan le Fay? The Lady of the Lakewood Diner is a comedy about a six-decade friendship between an aging rock star and her childhood best friend—the owner of a seedy diner in Central Maine, who might be the only person who can figure out who's been trying to kill the rock diva. It's Beaches meets Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe.


On SALE for the Holidays!
CHANEL and GATSBY: A Comic two-fer. 
Now only $2.99!
Hollywood and Manhattan: it's Bi-Coastal Comedy!

Available at NOOK, Kobo, and Amazon US, Amazon UK, Amazon CA


The Chanel Caper

JAMES BOND MEETS NORA EPHRON. OR IS IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?

Blake Weston is a smart, savvy, no BS, 56-year-old Nora Ephron-like New Yorker. Her DH, Ralph Marino, is a très James Bond ex-cop and head of security for a large international corporation. At a tense time in their relationship, Blake and Ralph are forced to work together to solve a murder in Shanghai and break up an international piracy ring.

The Gatsby Game

A POSSIBLE SOLUTION TO A 40-YEAR OLD UNSOLVED HOLLYWOOD MYSTERY

When Nicky Conway meets Fitzgerald-quoting Alistair at a Princeton mixer, she falls for his retro, Jazz-Age charm. But she discovers he’s a con man obsessed with his own “Daisy”—British actress Delia Kent. After Alistair manipulates Nicky into nannying for Delia’s daughter on the set of a Hollywood film, Delia finds Alistair dead in her motel room. Local police can’t decide if it’s accident, suicide—or murder, in which case, Nicky is the prime suspect.

Opportunity Alerts

Screenwriters!! 16th Annual Scriptapalooza Screenplay Competition. Over $50,000 in cash and software prizes. Every script entered is read by either a producer, manager or agent. Scriptapalooza will promote, pitch and push the semifinalists and higher for an entire year. They have relationships with producers, managers and agents that are actively looking for material. Only $45 to enter if you get it in by the early bird deadline January 6th.

Dog Lovers! Here's one for you: AMERICAN KENNEL CLUB FICTION WRITING CONTEST  NO ENTRY FEE. Submit one short story, maximum 2,000 words. Entries can be on any subject, but must feature a dog. (But it can't talk) Prizes $500, $240, $100. Deadline January 31, 2014. 

CRAZYHORSE PRIZES IN FICTION, NONFICTION, POETRY $20 fee (includes subscription). This is a biggie, well worth the fee. This venerable literary magazine has published the likes of John Updike, Raymond Carver and Billy Collins. Winners in each category receive $2,000 and publication. Submit up to 25 pages of prose or three poems. All entries considered for publication. Submissions accepted in the month of January 2014 only.

2014 BETHLEHEM WRITERS ROUNDTABLE SHORT STORY AWARD $10 ENTRY FEE. Submit 2,000 words or fewer on the theme of "Food Stories". In addition to a $200 prize, the first place winner's story will be considered for print publication in the Bethlehem Writers Group's next anthology or as a featured story in Bethlehem Writers Roundtable. Their last anthology won Indie Book Awards for Best Anthology and Best Short Fiction. Second place will receive $100 + publication in the BWG Writers Roundtable. Deadline January 15th, 2014

GINOSKO LITERARY JOURNAL FLASH FICTION CONTEST: $250 Award, $5 entry fee, Submit up to 2 pieces, 800 words maximum each piece. Deadline March 1, 2014.

AARP/HuffPo Memoir contest for Boomers! You must have been born before 1964 to enter. The winner will get a $5,000 prize will be excerpted in AARP The Magazine and featured on The Huffington Post’s website. In addition, Simon & Schuster will consider publishing the work.  Finalists from this round are invited to submit their complete memoir by June 15th. The books should run between 20,000 to 50,000 words. The first 5,000 words of the memoir is due February 15, 2014.

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How to Write Funny Novels...And Why You Shouldn't

Posted by Unknown On Sunday, November 10, 2013 0 comments


We've got a V.I.P. guest on the blog this week. She's Melodie Campbell, bestselling author and the Executive Director of Crime Writers of Canada.

She's also hilarious.

She contacted me last month because she liked one of my blogposts. (See, blogging is an effective networking tool!) She saw we share a love of funny books.

A lot of North America's best comedy comes from Canada. From much of the original cast of Saturday Night Live to up-and-coming comics like The Daily Show's Samantha Bee, to superstars like Seth Rogan, Leslie Nielsen, Jim Carrey and Mike Meyers, Canadians have always known how to make us laugh. (You can supply your own joke about the mayor of Toronto here.)

Maybe it has something to do with wearing plaid shirts and those hats with the earflaps. The key to good comedy is not taking yourself too seriously.

My family say I got my quirky sense of humor from my dad, who was born in Canada, so that may be why I share Melodie's compulsion to write funny books.

Also, we both started our careers in the theater doing stand-up and improv comedy. The biggest compliment I ever got in my acting career was from an old Borscht Belt comic who came backstage after seeing me in Auntie Mame and said, "I didn't see you act funny once in that whole performance." Then he broke into a grin and added. "You don't act funny. You THINK funny. That's the secret to great comedy."

I think funny. Like Melodie, I can't help it.

Melodie is right in warning you away from this dangerous habit. An amazing number of people hate comedy in books. Most of the best comic novels have an average of three stars on their reviews.

People might laugh their heads off at Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids and adore the antics of the guys in the Hangover movies, but when it comes to books, they want things to be politically correct and above all, "serious".

They want kick-ass heroines who can leap tall buildings at a single bound and never break a nail (or a smile), and heroes with six-pack abs and Cristal incomes who want to settle down and raise organic kale.

Melodie gets one-star reviews that say, "The heroine mentions being celibate for a while then has sex with at least 5 men in a month. Her boobs fall out of her dress at every opportunity. Most of the time, she doesn't even notice; other people have to point it out to her."

Like that's a bad thing.

My one-stars say stuff like, "This girl doesn't make the decisions I think she should", and "This book sets women back 100 years." (That one gets my feminist hackles up. As Helen Fielding says, "If women haven't reached the point where we can laugh at ourselves, we haven't come very far, have we?")

And then there's my favorite: "Why can't Camilla get a real job and stop looking for Mr. Right?"

Well, here's the thing: if our characters always made good decisions, there would be no story (you can read Kristen Lamb on the subject here), and if they got a clue, wore sensible shoes, and stopped looking for love in all the wrong places, they'd stop being funny.

Can you imagine reviewing films and TV this way?

"Leslie Nielson is on a plane about to crash and all he can say is 'don't call me Shirley'? So unrealistic. Anyway, the pilot didn't say 'Shirley'; he said 'surely'."

"Lucy Arnaz should stop hanging around with Ethel and stop trying to impress Ricky all the time. Why doesn't she get a real job? And where's the character development? She never learns."

When did people decide that fictional characters are supposed to be role models? The protagonists of our culture's earliest novels were mostly naive or deluded bumblers, from Cervantes' Don Quixote to Fielding's Tom Jones and Voltaire's Candide.

You don't read Cervantes or Fielding or Voltaire to escape into a fantasy about your idealized self. But people have been entertained by their stories for a lot of centuries now. Maybe that's because, as a recent study proved, laughter really is the best medicine. ...Anne

Writing Funny Novels 
Why You Shouldn’t – But You’re Going to Anyway – So Here’s a Primer 
by Melodie Campbell 


“Is that a broadsword on your belt, or are you just glad to see me?”

I hope you smiled at that line. I think it’s one of my best. My name is Melodie Campbell, and I write comedies. (This is a self-help group, right?) Sure I’d like to kick the habit and write a ‘real’ book with literary merit.

Okay, so that’s a lie. Leave The Goddaughter’s Revenge behind? Not write a sequel? I’m starting to hyperventilate. Actually, I love writing comedies. It’s in my blood.

Some people are born beautiful. But most of us aren’t, and we look for ways to survive the slings and arrows of life. Sometimes we choose to hide behind a mask. That Greek Comedy mask was the one I picked way back.

COMEDY IS TRAGEDY BARELY AVERTED


People smarter than me have concluded that tragedy is the root of all comedy. Making fun of our foibles is indeed one way to cope.

As a means of self-preservation in the cruel world of teenagers, I looked for the ‘funny.’ More often than not, I made fun of myself. This was easy to do. I knew the target well and there was a wealth of material. And it didn’t hurt anyone else, so people liked it.

When I left school and had a ‘real’ job, I started writing stand-up on the side. I rarely delivered it – usually I wrote for others. That led to a regular newspaper humour column, and more.

So when it came to writing novels, I fell back into ‘safe mode.’ Write it funny.

Lesson 1 (the first of 8): The rule of ‘WORST THING’

(aka: Never go easy on your protagonist.)

Comedy writers take a situation, and ask themselves ‘what’s the worst thing that could happen now?’

And then, ‘what’s the funniest?’

What’s the worst thing that could happen to The Goddaughter when she is reluctantly recruited to carry hot gemstones over the border in the heel of her shoe? Predictable would be: she gets caught at customs. But I don’t want predictable. I want funny.

Instead, the shoes get stolen. By a complete amateur! It’s embarrassing, that’s what it is. How is she going to keep this from her new boyfriend Pete, who thinks she’s gone clean? And what the heck is she going to tell her uncle, the crime boss?

Nothing, of course. She’s going to steal them back. Or die trying.

And hopefully the audience will die laughing.

Yes, some people will turn up their noses and say this type of plot is silly. Reviewers may discount the book for not dealing with the ‘important’ issues of today. So…do you really want to join me in this reckless trade? Read below.

The Trouble with Writing Comedy


When people ask what I write, I say ‘comedies.’ Then I give the genres (crime capers and time travel fantasy.) My books are comedies first and foremost. I look for plots that will lend themselves to laughs.

This is different from authors who say they write humorous mysteries, for instance. In this case, they would peg their books mysteries first. The humour is secondary.

It’s tough writing comedy. Here’s why:

1. Everyone expects your next book to be just as funny or funnier than your last.

Example: Janet Evanovich. Readers are complaining that her 19th Stephanie Plum book isn’t as funny as her earlier books. They are giving it 2 and 3 stars. 19 books, people! Think about that. I’m on my third book in two different comedy series, and I’m finding it tough to sustain the humour in book three. Believe me, this woman is a master.

2. When you write something that isn’t meant to be funny (or is mildly humorous but not comedy) people are disappointed.

In fact, one award juror told me (way after the fact) that she didn’t consider my Agatha Christie-style whodunit for an award short list because it wasn’t laugh out loud funny like my other books. (It wasn’t supposed to be.) She admitted she never gave the book a chance because I was ‘all about comedy’ in her eyes.

My rep ruined my chances.

3. You will never be taken seriously for most awards.

Again, comedy is rarely taken seriously for awards. This drives some crime writers nuts. It seems to be endemic that books on the short lists are usually ones written with gravitas, on subjects that are ‘important’ or grim. To quote a colleague, “It seems to me, the more grim a book, the more merit is ascribed to it.” Blame the Scandinavians.

4. It’s hard to get published.

This is lamentable. It’s hard to get a publisher for comedic novels. Many seem to be afraid of funny books. Again, it may be the part about not being a ‘serious’ book, and thus not seen as an ‘important’ book.

Film suffers from a similar stigma. How often these days do comedies win Oscars?

5. The expectations are HUGE.

Not only will you be expected to produce a book with great plot, characterization, viewpoint, motivation and dialogue like all the other writers, but along with that you also have to make people laugh consistently throughout it. It’s like there is a sixth requirement for you, an additional test that others don’t need to pass. And you don’t get any more money for it.

Sucks, right? So why do it?
  • Because good comedy is magic to some readers. They love you for making them smile. 
  • Because not everyone can do it. There is talent as well as craft. 
  • Because making people laugh is what you do. You’ve done it since you were in high school. Most of us who write comedy were the class clowns. 
  • Because you’re mad, like I am. Well at least, madcap.

    (Okay, you’re going to do it anyway, so here goes...)

    Lessons 2 through 8


    Let’s go beyond lesson 1 now. Of course, you don’t have to write comedies to get humour into your books. All stories can benefit from a dose of bathos to make the pathos seem more piquant. Here is my primer on how to put laughter in your books:

    2. Make the basic plot funny.

    This is the hardest thing to do. This is what makes ‘comedies,’ rather than books with humour.

    a. For this, I fall back on the best of the best, my favorite book to quote.

    In The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Earth is about to be demolished to make way for an interstellar bypass. The very premise of the plot is funny. The construction plans have been filed for decades, but as no one on earth is aware of life beyond our own, of course the plans have gone unprotested. “Apathetic bloody planet…I’ve no sympathy at all,” says the Vogon construction leader before he blows Earth to smithereens.

    That’s a comedic premise.

    b. How I work it: In The Goddaughter’s Revenge, Gina must mastermind a bunch of burglaries to get back fake gems before anyone finds out they’re fake, otherwise her rep is toast. That’s right – she’s stealing fake gems and replacing them with real. And of course, all the burglaries go wrong. Once again, the basic plot is nutty.

    3. Make funny things happen in your plot.

    Back to Hitchhiker’s Guide. What if…humans weren’t the only ones experimenting with animals in the pursuit of science? What if…white mice were experimenting with humans?

    What if…the answer to the Meaning of Life is the number 42?

    4. Make a theme in your novel funny.

    Rowena Through the Wall is a comic time travel/sword and sorcery novel. It is also a spoof of bodice rippers, but few people have picked up on that. (This baffles me, because it’s right over the top: she rips her bodice in almost every scene.) In the second book in the series, Rowena and the Dark Lord, she rips her skirt in almost every scene. Readers love it, even if they don’t get that it’s a spoof. They look for it. It is a theme that runs through the series.

    5. Make a character in your plot funny.

    This is the most common humour device in novels. Shakespeare was a master at this. We have lots of examples here.

    a. Again, let me return to the master, Douglas Adams. In my opinion, Marvin the depressed robot is one of the greatest inventions in comic fiction.

    “Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to take you down to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction? ‘Cos I don’t.”

    “Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don’t know why I bother to say it, oh God, I’m so depressed. Here’s another of those self-satisfied doors. Life! Don’t talk to me about life.”

    b. Can’t forget another unforgettable character: Grandma Mazar from Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum series.
    • Hobby: Funeral homes. 
    • Sexual orientation: Bring it on! (time’s a runnin’ out)
    • Crass, embarrassing, and delightfully unique.

    6. Add Wordplay.

    Examples: surprise, unexpected, sarcasm, exaggeration, words with double meaning

    This is different from making your character’s ‘character’ funny to the reader. In this example, a member of the cast says funny or clever things.

    a. Surprise or unexpected:

    “I had the flu once. It was terrible. I couldn’t eat a thing for three hours.”

    This works because we expect to hear something else at the end: “I couldn’t eat a thing for three days.” Instead, we hear “three hours.” This is an example of the surprise or unexpected, plus exaggeration, giving us a chuckle. But wait a minute: this is also self-deprecating. Three in one.

    b. Example 2: Remember how this post started?

    “Is that a broadsword on your belt, or are you just glad to see me?”

    This is an example of wordplay that requires the reader to have some prior knowledge or education. We know the original Mae West line, where the gun substitutes for something else. This exaggerates the gun into something bigger. The reader feels clever for getting the joke.

    7. Riff off the reader’s own experience:

    Also in Hitchhiker’s Guide: The Vogon monsters have developed a unique form of torture. They read their hand-written poetry to victims. It’s excruciating.

    I’ve been to live readings just like that. You bet I laughed when reading this. And Douglas Adams wrote it for people like me who have been to poetry readings and – most likely- shared his reaction.

    (Not all people will appreciate this humour. That’s okay. Not everyone will appreciate every funny line you write, either.)

    Why was Adams such a master? He doesn’t explain it. No laugh track here. He shows you the scene and lets you make your own conclusion.

    8. Emulate the Comedy Masters who do stand-up:

    Don’t over-explain. Never point to a joke. Just lay the line. You don’t even need to have the other characters in your book laugh.

    How to accomplish this? End the scene at the line.

    “Is that a broadsword on your belt, or are you just glad to see me?”

    ***or***

    The Earl appeared at the door. “What are you doing?!”

    I poked my head out from under the table and wiped a shrimp from my hair. “We couldn’t wait for dinner, so we started ahead.”


    The Caveats


    1. Humour needs context.

    So much of what makes us laugh depends on our previous experience, education, age and gender. That’s why some people find Monty Python funny, and others don’t. (I am, by the way, a huge fan. Ditto for Gilbert and Sullivan. Outrageous satire of the establishment gets me every time.)

    Don’t be alarmed if not everyone gets every funny line in your fiction. They won’t.

    2. Can you take the heat?

    Not everyone will see the humour, particularly in satire. (Witness my bodice ripper spoof.) In fact, some may be annoyed by it, if they perceive you are making fun of something they value.

    Going too far: there is a fine line that all of us work against. The line will wobble a bit and sometimes we step over it. (Stand-up artists do this frequently by picking on people in the audience.)

    If you are going to write humour, you have to be able to take the heat from going too far.

    Final Words (will she ever shut up)

    Here’s the key, as I’ve discovered it:


    The trick to combining humour and suspense is to play each against the other. Taut suspense is broken up by bathos, making the suspenseful parts seen more dramatic. And – as I have learned from writing the Land’s End series – one can make humour seem more funny by juxtaposing it against gripping danger. In fact, a steady diet of unrelenting wacky humour can make one grow blasé, just as a steady diet of porn might dull one to sensuality.

    But why do it? Why does an otherwise sane individual write wacky and some might say silly fiction, and risk the inevitable hit from some critics who say your book is without great literary merit?

    We do it for readers. Hopefully, we’ve lightened their day with laughter, and in some cases given them a story they can escape into, over and over again.

    ***

    Melodie Campbell experienced a personal best this year when Library Digest compared her to Janet Evanovich.

    Melodie got her start writing comedy. In 1999, she opened the Canadian Humour Conference. She has over 200 publications, including 100 comedy credits, 40 short stories and 5 novels. Melodie has won six awards for fiction and was a finalist for the 2012 Derringer and both the 2012 and 2013 Arthur Ellis Awards.

    Her first book, Rowena Through the Wall, hit the Amazon Top 100 Bestseller list. The Goddaughter’s Revenge, a comic mob caper, is her fifth book.  Melodie is the Executive Director of Crime Writers of Canada. Her column "Bad Girl" runs in the satirical magazine, The Sage: Canada’s Best Source for Misleading News and Opinion. Lots more at www.melodiecampbell.com


    What about you, Scriveners? Why do you think comedy gets no respect? Do you have a compulsion to write funny? Have you ever wondered why books full of gore and torture are considered "good" fiction while upbeat stories that makes you laugh are considered trivial time-wasters? What's your favorite comic novel?

    Anne is off visiting other blogs this week. You can read her guest post at BoomerLit Fridays on why the ebook revolution is great for Boomers, and she'll be interviewed by Carmen Amato on Carmen's blog on Thursday, November 14th.


    Bargain Book of the Week


    The best way to get started with Melodie's comedies is with her first "Canadian Mobster" book, The Goddaughter. $2.99 on Amazon US, Amazon CA, and Kobo, 


    "Campbell's comic caper is just right for Janet Evanovich fans. Wacky family connections and snappy dialog make it impossible not to laugh." (Library Journal 2012-09-01)

    "Campbell tells a hilarious story of the goddaughter of a mafia leader drafted into a jewel-smuggling operation." (Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine 2012-10-11)

    "Perfect as an airplane read, or for waiting in the doctor's office, or standing in line at the DMV, or even for snuggling under the covers with a bout of flu...Throw in some drop-dead, laugh out loud funny hotel room and restaurant scenes...Bottom line: you['ll] find yourself quickly finishing one of the fun-est and funniest books I've enjoyed in years!" (Tutu's Two Cents blog 2013-02-06)

    OPPORTUNITY ALERTS


    Looking for a market for your humor writing? The Family Farce may be what you're looking for. They're looking for humor that's dark, snarky and irreverant. Fiction, columns, essays and interviews are all welcome. They're also looking for cartoons, videos and song parodies.

    Tin House Shirley Jackson Story Contest. This is a fun one. The prestigious litmag Tin House has acquired an unfinished Shirley Jackson story. They invite readers to finish it. Submissions should be 2,500 words or fewer (not including Jackson’s prose). Winners will be published on the Tin House website and be awarded some Tin House swag and the collected works of Ms. Jackson. Deadline November 17th.

    Glimmer Train Press Short Story Award for New Writers Entry Fee: $15. A prize of $1,500 and publication in Glimmer Train Stories is given quarterly for a short story by a writer whose fiction has not been published in a print publication with a circulation over 5,000. The editors will judge. Using the online submission system, submit a story of up to 12,000 words with a $15 entry fee during the month of November. Visit the website for complete guidelines. Deadline: November 30, 2013

    J.F. POWER PRIZE FOR SHORT FICTION NO ENTRY FEE. The winner will receive $500. The winning story will be announced in February, 2014 and published in Dappled Things, along with nine honorable mentions. The word limit is 8,000 words. Deadline is November 29, 2013.

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    Why Writers Need to be on Google Plus…Plus a FREE Tutorial on How to Use it Effectively!

    Posted by Unknown On Sunday, October 20, 2013 0 comments


    A lot of writers seem to find Google Plus as mysterious as I do, so when I met Google guru and SEO expert Johnny Base in a Google Plus group a couple of weeks ago, I jumped at the chance to get him on the blog. 

    Not only does he have a great blogpost for us, but we've imbedded a mini-webinar that walks you though signing up for Google Plus and gives you a bunch of tips on how to use it. 

    Personally, this what I know about Google Plus.

    1) Once you join, you want to turn off most of your "notifications" or your inbox will be glutted with them.

    You can still get notified if you turn it off. All you have to do is look up in the right corner of your gmail program or your Blogger blog and you'll see a little icon of a bell with a number in it and a + sign. That's your notifications. Check them or not as you want.

    2) If you put a + in front of somebody's name on Google+, it works like an @ symbol on Twitter. Use it and the person will be notified that you're talking to him. (I just learned this from Johnny.) 

    3) If you go to your profile page and click on the big "G+" it brings a dropdown menu with all sorts of great options, like "communities." Joining communities is how you meet people. I'd joined some in the past but could never find them again. Now I know. 

    4) As I said last week, there's much talk of Google+ going the way of Facebook in invading our privacy. They're even talking about using our images to endorse products. But you can opt out here.

     …Anne

    So heeeeere's Johnny (AKA John Allen: no, no relation)...

    What Is Google Plus And Why Should Writers Use It?

    by Johnny Base


    Let's start with what Google Plus is not.

    It is not a social media platform filled with teenagers and people with too much time on their hands. It's not a vortex which only wastes time. It is not Facebook, Pinterest, or Twitter.

    Google Plus is a business tool.

    Because of new changes occurring within Google and online search. Google Plus is where all writers will need to be if they want to be relevant in the Internet Age. These changes will affect anyone who publishes online content, e-books, or is interested in earning money writing online.

    Here are some of the aspects of Google Plus that make it an entirely different experience from other social media:

    Professionalism


    Google Plus is a collection of professionals from many disciplines—who discuss, engage, disagree and collaborate quickly. They're building knowledge in their field of interest on a global scale. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced.

    The people you are engaging with, in my experience, are not amateurs. I've had the pleasure to video-chat, comment on posts, and share articles I've written with people who are leaders in their industries from all over the world.

    I'm deep in the changes in Google and how they affect writers, and anyone else who publishes online content, e-books, or is interested in earning money writing online. I've never had this kind of professional engagement on any other social media platform.

    Networking with Influencers


    I have an online business creating websites. I'm self-taught and have achieved a small success in the world of search engine optimization. I'm able to get websites in competitive niches on page one when people search on Google for specific terms.

    But the people I engage with daily on Google Plus are much further up the food chain than myself. The other day I spoke with a group of amazing people in my field for more than an hour—experts from around the globe who are acknowledged leaders in the field and published in the leading trades. It was like a seminar at a top-level university.

    There are writers on Google Plus—as well as attorneys, entrepreneurs, business owners, physicists, professors, and photographers. They're accomplished people who are open, helpful and eager to engage with you no matter what level you are at in your profession. I've never had this kind of professional engagement on any other social media platform.

    Here's an example of how it's worked for me: I wrote an article about the SEO marketing community on my website, which I posted on Google Plus. Because I'd built a trusted relationship with other “influencers” (people who have authority in a given subject) a big influencer in SEO reposted my article and shared it. He had a ton of SEO people in his circles, so they shared it. And other people shared it.

    My blog usually had five to ten visitors a day. That day, 106 people visited. Then I received 187 backlinks to that article. Backlinks are when other websites post a link to your website. They help with ranking and getting your site found on search results.

    Google Plus is also how I met Anne R. Allen. Our conversation led to a quick invitation to guest-blog, which I realize she and Ruth don't extend that often. 

    But meeting other professionals is only one aspect of the power of Google Plus.

    Google Plus Hangouts


    Not only can you post articles, short stories, (photos/videos) you've written or found. (On Google Plus it's always good etiquette to source any material you post: give credit to the originator of the content and or the people who originally posted the content.)

    But you have the added benefit of being able to speak directly to these people you engage with via Google Plus Hangout.

    What's a Google Plus Hangout? Imagine Skype on steroids. Real-time conferencing online. They work great for book launches.

    Here's an example of how they work: bestselling author Wally Lamb held a Google Plus Hangout "preview" of his new novel We are Water through Booktalk Nation on Wednesday Oct. 16th. It was advertised in Publishers Weekly and people could order signed, personalized books. Anybody could join in the live Google Hangout video chat with the author, more than a week before the book is going to hit stores....Anne

    Google Authorship Program

    When you create and share content online, you want people to know you're the author— no matter how far that content may travel. With the Google Authorship program, not only do you get the credit, you can also grow your audience over time.

    Several Google Plus platform features help authors do both — on Google, and across the Web.

    Explaining Google authorship would take another post, but on my blog I have a number of videos that explain its use and function. If you want more, check out my website's page on Google Authorship. 

    Semantic Search


    This is the biggie. It's about to change everything.

    Since Google's beginnings, all search results were keyword based. Specific rules ruled how Google searched websites. They looked for words placed in specific locations, on each page of a website.

    Google's algorithm, after scanning all the words and code on each website, determined where the site should rank, whenever someone typed a query. The results were mostly the same for everyone. Anyone searching for "red apple" would receive basically the same results in the same order no matter their location. 

    But Google is in the process of changing their algorithm so each individual on the planet will have different results, based on many factors. It's called "Semantic Search" And it's a huge tectonic shift in the way information is found online. Now, Google's algorithm will assign a reputation score based on topics, relationships, sharing, comments and connections. 

    For an overview of the semantic search revolution check out "How to Rank on the First Page of Google Search Forever: Get Social. Feed the Brain." by George Williams.  Semantic Search is replacing Keyword search as I type. It should be fully implemented within the next six to twelve months. Leaving keyword-based search results in the dust. 

    Here's what you need to know: Google Plus is the key to Semantic Search.

    Verified Google Plus Authors who create quality content which other Google Plus influencers (people who are trusted authorities in given niches) share will be looked at by Google as trusted authorities.

    This is all new. It was only confirmed this August 2013.

    Writers who position themselves now will bear fruit for years to come. And currently the only way to become a verified Google Plus Author is to first create a Google Plus account.

    Other benefits of Google Plus. When you post to your Google Plus profile:


    1. Posts are crawled and indexed almost immediately by Google

    2. Google Plus posts pass link equity and Google Plus 1's     (only if you add a link into the post) Let's say you write an article and you create a post on Google Plus. As with Facebook you can write a comment about the article. If anybody clicks a plus 1 on your post, that plus 1 will show up on the article you have posted, increasing its value. Shares do the same thing and are recognized instantly. This is huge for ranking your blog or website. If someone shares your article on social media like Facebook, Google does not have that information. But on Google Plus they recognize it right away and consider it a social signal and it becomes a ranking factor.

    3. Google Plus is optimized for semantic relevance. (See info on Semantic search above.)

    4. Verified Google Plus Authors will be accepted by Google as trusted authorities who create quality content.

    Below is a video I created which guides you step by step to create a Google Plus account. 



    Johnny Base Created his first website in 1996. He's a Search Engine Optimization Specialist and Website Designer. He studied Art History under Irving Sandler at SUNY Purchase. A professional artist, blogger, loves writing and writers. Currently he's been involved in the Google Plus Community and working on an article on "Genetic Algorithms and Semantic Search" with his father who has a PhD in Physics and has worked at NASA. Johnny invites you to join the Google Plus For Writers Community .

    John Allen 
    SEO Consultant
    Google + | SEO Richmond | FaceBook

    Okay, scriveners: Do you feel smarter now? Are you going to join Google Plus? Do you have questions for Johnny? He'll be here Sunday afternoon to answer questions. 


    Book Deal of the Week


    This month, Sherwood, Ltd is 99c for Kindle US, UK, Nook, and FREE on Smashwords and on Kobo. And for book-sniffers (I have to admit to some closet book-sniffing myself) it is available in paper for the marked-down price of $8.09 (regularly $8.99 on Amazon and $12.99 in stores.) It's also on sale in paper in the in the UK for £6.81.




    "A wily tale of murder, deceit, and intrigue that can stand with the best of them. Her characters are all too real and her dialogue took me from laughter to chills to suspicion of everybody in the book...Read this book. It will be well worth the time."...David Keith

    "One uses the term 'romping good yarn' advisedly but in fact this tale is exactly that. Aspiring author and failed A-lister Camilla, desperate for funds and affection, joins forces with a publishing team that beggars description. The similarities between the legend of Robin Hood and this story are subtle, the links never overdone or cliched. The narrative leaps from one twist to the next turn with pace and energy. The characters are delightfully off-centre and the hero? Well, he is definitely of a kind to swing down from the trees armed with bow and nocked arrow."...Prue Batten

     Opportunity Alerts

    New literary journal accepting submissions. CHINA GROVE debuted this August and will publish twice in 2014 and go quarterly in subsequent years. The editors are looking for unpublished short fiction, poetry and essays. The first issue features an exclusive interview with National Book Award winner Ellen Gilchrist, as well as a previously unseen letter from Mark Twain about an unpublished work called “The Great Republic’s Peanut Stand,” and a love letter from Pulitzer Prize winner Eudora Welty to crime-fiction writer Kenneth Millar (Ross Macdonald).

    CHINA GROVE will also award two new literary prizes: The Gilchrist Prize in Short Fiction given biannually starting Fall 2014 with a monetary gift of $2,000, and The China Grove Prize in Poetry starting in 2015.  - submit online: www.ChinaGrovePress.com Next deadline is February 2014

    EBUK Bargains UK now has a blog! Get all the most up to-date info on the international book marketing scene from the guys who wrote one of our most popular guest blogposts ever.

    The Sherwood Anderson Fiction Award     from the Mid-American Review. $10 entry fee for a story up to 6000 words. First Prize: $1,000 and publication. Four Finalists: Notation, possible publication. You may submit online or snail mail. Details at website. Deadline is November 1, 2013.

    J.F. POWER PRIZE FOR SHORT FICTION NO ENTRY FEE. The winner will receive $500. The winning story will be announced in February, 2014 and published in Dappled Things, along with nine honorable mentions. The word limit is 8,000 words. Deadline is November 29, 2013.

    MYSTERY AUTHORS! The Poisoned Pen Press, one of the most prestigious small presses, is open for submissions for one month. They open for submissions twice yearly, once during the month of October, and once during the spring. During October, they will accept submissions for regular publication. During the spring submissions period they open for the Discover Mystery first book contest. Please note their entire submissions process is electronic via the online submissions manager, Submittable. Mailed or e-mailed submissions will not be read. They will be accepting regular submissions during the period between October 1 and October 31.

    The Lascaux Prize for Short Fiction: Stories may be previously published or unpublished. Length up to 10,000 words. Entry fee is $5, and authors may enter more than once.The editors will select a winner and nineteen additional finalists. The winner will receive $500 and publication in The Lascaux Review. Both winner and finalists will earn the privilege of displaying a virtual medallion on blogs and websites. Deadline December 31, 2013.

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    The Ebook Market No Author Should Ignore: Think Globally!

    Posted by Unknown On Sunday, September 22, 2013 0 comments


    One of the biggest changes the e-reader has brought to the publishing industry doesn't get much cyberink in the online book community.

    It's the huge international market that's opening up now that we don't have to pay to ship physical books around the world.

    If, like me, you've ever experienced that terrible moment on vacation when you discover you have nothing left to read in your native tongue but a copy of Henry James' The Golden Bowl you got in trade for your last Agatha Christie in that Athens hostel...you know how tough it used to be to find English language books abroad.


    But no more!

    The e-age has given us a global book market.

    This weekend, some health challenges kept me from the Central Coast Writers Conference—a big disappointment—but it allowed me to stay home and see the first installment of PBS's series of Shakespeare's history plays, dubbed "The Hollow Crown." I got to watch a breathtaking production of Richard II. It contains some of Shakespeare's most eloquent love-letters to the mongrel language we call English.

    Since I had just received this post on the international book market, I felt a small sense of irony when James Purefoy as Mowbray spoke those famous words protesting his exile from the Sceptered Isle.

    "The language I have learn'd these forty years,
    My native English, now I must forego:
    And now my tongue's use is to me no more
    Than an unstringed viol or a harp."

    In the 21st century, exile is not so harsh. As Jay and the crew at Ebook Bargains UK tell us in this week's post: a whole lot of people all over the world now speak English.

    They read it, too.

    Which means there's a global market for ebooks in English that indie authors can tap into—with no worries about translation, shipping, or "foreign rights."

    But most authors who write in English still focus on selling exclusively in the U.S. That worked for some of the big indie success stories a few years ago, but this is a rapidly changing industry.

    Do you know the country where people read the most books? I sure didn't. According to a July article in the L.A. Times, it's India. And you know where the second biggest population of English speakers lives? Again, it's India. Followed by Pakistan and Nigeria.

    Combined, those three countries make up a larger population of English speakers than in all of the US.

    I've mentioned in several posts recently that I've been getting a boost in my sales outside the US thanks to a new ebook promo newsletter that's venturing where the big US advertisers like BookBub, Kindle Nation Daily and Pixel of Ink don't go: the international markets.

    For those of you who aren't published yet, you may not know the ebook bargain newsletter is rated by many as the most effective way for new authors to get noticed. Buying ads in daily newsletters like Kindle Nation Daily, E-Reader News Today, Pixel of Ink, and Bookbub is one of the best ways to get a new book in front of readers.

    But they have some big drawbacks:

    • They're pricey. 
    • They only sell to the US. 
    • They demand a huge number of Amazon reviews: reviews on blogs, newspapers, or on other retail sites don't count. 
    • Most only link to Amazon.

    I'm lucky my publisher connected with EbookBargainsUK (EBUK for short) early, so we got in on some of their initial freebie ads. But the ads are still remarkably low priced, and I have seen direct results. After a "spotlight" week in the newsletter, my boxed set reached #2 in Canadian women's fiction: right between Margaret Atwood's latest and the new Bridget Jones. A fantasy come true for a longtime fan of both Atwood and Fielding. It also charted in France, Germany and Brazil.

    The EBUK newsletters don't have all the bells and whistles of the big American promoters, and they've only been going a few months, but as co-founder Jay Housden explained to me, what they lack in budget and fancy tech they make up for in enthusiasm and ambition.

    A whole lot of ambition, as you'll see below.

    And okay, I have a thing for all things Brit, as my readers know. (Yes, the next Camilla adventure will take us back to Swynsby-on-Trent. And there's a possible future jaunt to India, where Camilla's etiquette books are very big. Funny how our fiction can sometimes be predictive.)

    EBUK's newsletters target English-speakers all over the world. And as they will tell you, ebooks are already a major factor in the global marketplace.

    I'm a little embarrassed by my ignorance about this stuff. I didn't have a clue my books were on all these international sites. If you don't have a savvy publisher like mine, you may want to use self-publishing sites like Smashwords or D2D who will automatically put you on most of the international retail sites.

    I know this piece is more promotional than what we usually accept, but I was so blown away by the info, I had to share it with you. Plus I'm a big fan of Mark Coker at Smashwords, and he echoes their vision in a great post about the Indian market here. Smashwords is working at putting indies into as many of these markets as possible. It looks as if this will make Smashwords a much bigger player in a few years.

    Maybe someday, like Camilla in No Place Like Home, you'll be able to put a down payment on a little cottage with the proceeds from your international sales.

    So Mick, Jay and the EBUK tech geniuses—take it away!
                                                                                                                 ...Anne

    Why Every Author Should Start Thinking Globally

    by the EBUK Team




    Given we only launched Ebook Bargains UK (EBUK) this summer, on a shoe-string budget from a bedroom in Bedford, with the impossible ambition of promoting English-language ebooks to a world that supposedly doesn’t know ebooks exist, we’re pretty pleased with how things are going.

    We started the first EBUK newsletter because we were tired of seeing newsletters that only linked to Amazon—usually only Amazon US. We'd search for the book on Amazon.co.uk or another UK site, and find it wasn't on sale to us.

    We also wanted to know about ebook bargains to be found at our own UK bookshop sites, like Foyles, Waterstones, W.H. Smith, Tesco etc.

    We soon realized such a newsletter would be useful in Canada and Australia and India...and English speaking countries all over the world. So our one newsletter rapidly expanded to ten. We hope to have twenty by the end of the year.

    Okay, so right now our number of subscribers is pitiful compared to BookBub's million. But it's important to bear in mind EBUK is targeting the nascent markets, not a mature market like the United States. The vertical expansion (subscribers) is inevitably going to be slow to start. But the list is growing daily.

    We believe the international English-language ebook market will dwarf the US market in the coming years. Which is why we’re happy with our gradual vertical expansion and are instead focused on our lateral expansion – reaching out to readers around the globe.

    By the time you read this we will have just launched Ebook Bargains S.E. Asia, the twelfth of our international newsletters. By no coincidence it coincides with the launch of the new Kobo store in the Philippines.

    The S.E. Asia newsletter (Not just the Philippines but Thailand, Singapore, Malaysia, Vietnam, Indonesia, etc) will join daily promo newsletters already shipping to:
    • Australia
    • Canada
    • Germany
    • India
    • Ireland
    • the Netherlands
    • New Zealand
    • South Africa
    • Spain
    • UK
    • USA
    Ebook Bargains France, Italy and Scandinavia will be following next month, with another five to add before the year’s end.

    Each daily newsletter carries the same titles, but the Australia newsletter only has links to retailers available in Australia. The German newsletter only has links to retailers available in Germany. The Dutch newsletter only has links to retailers in the Netherlands. Etc.

    Ebooks Down Under

    Guess what? Oz has been selling ebooks since the last century.

    You’ve probably never heard of ebooks.com but they’ve been selling ebooks since 1997, ten years before Amazon introduced the Kindle – and are still going strong.

    Amazon is estimated to have just over a 60% market share in Australia, which means four out of ten readers are shopping elsewhere.

    Some of you may be familiar with Angus & Robertson and Collins, both supplied by Kobo.

    What you probably don’t know is that Australians can also buy ebooks from:
    • Booktopia, 
    • Bookworld
    • Dymocks
    • QBD
    • Fishpond 
    • Here’s our host Anne R. Allen in Bookworld.
    • Then of course there’s the Apple iTunes Australia store
    • and the GooglePlay Australia store. 
    • And not forgetting the Sony Australia Reader Store. 
    Sony have been quietly reinventing themselves while your back has been turned and now have seven international stores – here’s Anne R. Allen in their Australian store.

    Even the German ebook retailer 'txtr (no, that’s not a typo) has an ebook store in Australia. And guess who’s got her ebooks there...

    All these stores are selling ebooks to Australians in Australian dollars. Well, all except Amazon. They haven’t got a local store yet. And Australians have plenty of devices to read on. Not just Kindles and the now ubiquitous Kobo range, either.

    Then there’s the indie stores! Sydney bookstore Pages & Pages has been tempting patriotic Aussies to trade in their Kindle for AU$50 and buy a BeBook ereader instead. And for every AU$50 you spend on books or ebooks in a month in their store you get a AU$5 discount the following month.

    Don’t under-estimate the niche marketing power of indie bookstores as they turn digital, be they in Australia, New Zealand, the UK or the USA.

    What about Europe?

    Most people know there's an Amazon store in Germany (Amazon.de) But you may not know there are many others:
    Sony also have a Reader Store in neighbouring Austria, and guess who’s there....

    In fact there seems to be no escape from Anne R. Allen.  It would be easier to tell you where she isn’t!

    Here’s Anne R. Allen in Ireland’s prestigious Eason ebook store in Dublin. Eason will shortly be releasing their own ereader. 

    Her ebooks are even in Iceland!

    The Netherlands? No Amazon store there yet, so no Anne R. Allen, right? Ah, but there is:
    • A local Dutch language Kobo store. 
    • And an Apple iTunes Netherlands store
    • And a GooglePlay Netherlands store
    • And of course a ‘txtr Netherlands store 
    (Here’s Anne R. Allen for Dutch buyers in ‘txtr NL). And that’s before we start on the local competition: local Dutch ebooks stores. The Dutch retailer Bol has been busily selling ebooks in Holland since 2009, the same year Amazon launched KDP in the US.

    No doubt you’ve been reading excitedly about the new US start-ups offering ebooks subscription stores.

    Guess what? Skoobe in Germany and 24 Symbols in Spain have been doing it for years.

    Denmark has two rival ebook subscription services, Riidr and Mofibo.

    Incidentally 24 Symbols is dual language Spanish and English, acknowledging the huge number of Brit expats living in Spain with nothing to read. Come to that Skoobe is dual language, too.

     Far more people speak English in Germany than most people imagine. How does 40 million English speakers in Germany grab you?

    The truth is, Europe is an untapped ebook goldmine. 

    GooglePlay has figured that out. They already had ebook stores in the USA, Canada, UK, Australia, Germany, France, Spain and Italy as of July this year. Oh, and also Austria, Belgium, Brazil, Ireland, Japan, Mexico, Portugal, South Korea and Russia. Pretty impressive.

    Then across the summer they rolled out additional ebook stores in the Netherlands, Denmark, Sweden, Finland, Greece, Hungary, the Czech Republic, Poland and Romania. That’s twenty-seven ebook stores around the world. So far. Not in GooglePlay? Might be worth the effort.

    Then there’s that bizarrely named 'txtr (no capital, the apostrophe is compulsory, and despite the lack of vowels they are German, not Welsh) has no less than seventeen ebook stores around the globe. Mostly in Europe, including a 'txtr UK store, and also in Australia, Canada, New Zealand, South Africa and America.

    And 'txtr has some big surprises lined up. You may never have heard of them until now, but if you’re not in the ‘txtr international stores then you will be missing out on some big opportunities ahead. Here's Anne in ‘txtr Ireland. And in ‘txtr Poland.

    Africa

    Here’s Anne R. Allen in ‘txtr South Africa. South African readers can also buy Anne’s books in the local Kalahari store, where they might choose to read on the local gobii e-reader rather than a Kindle or the Kobo devices sold nationwide by the country’s biggest supermarket chain Pick-N-Pay.

    Nor is it just Europe, South Africa and Down Under that have been busily enjoying ebooks. 


    Latin America

    Over in Latin America you’ll be surprised (or maybe not by now) to learn they don’t just have the Amazon Brazil and Amazon Mexico stores to buy from.

    Here’s Anne R. Allen in Livraria Cultura in Brazil. Okay, no more plugs for Anne’s titles (thanks guys...I was feeling a little embarrassed by all that...Anne) You get the picture.

    And the rest of Latin America? BajaLibros is third largest Spanish language ebook store in the United States, and they’ve been selling ebooks in Argentina since 2010, the same year the Kindle arrived in the UK. They produce their own ereaders which, along with their ebooks, are sold across Latin America and also in Spain.

    Wonderful as it was to see the Kindle store arrive in Brazil, and more recently Mexico, the truth is Latinos were buying ebooks long before. Here’s BajaLibros in Brazil. And here in Mexico. They also have stores in Bolivia, Chile, Colombia, Costa Rica, Ecuador, Paraguay, Peru, Uruguay and Venezuela, not to mention Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic. BajaLibros produce their own ereaders too.

    Argentina     was the UNESCO Book Capital in 2011, and earlier this year managed to cram over one million visitors into the Buenos Aries Book Fair, so let’s be in no doubt Argentines like reading.

    But don’t go thinking BajaLibros is the only ebook show in town.

    Grammata have also been selling ebook and ereaders in Argentina since 2010, and are now pretty much everywhere where Spanish is spoken. Here in Colombia, for example. They’re even in Spain! And if you don’t fancy buying from Grammata, pop along to Movistar (started 2011, has own ereader) or try Amabook. Amabook too has ebook stores across Latin America, as well as in the US! And it too beat Amazon to Mexico.

    This is just the tip of the iceberg. An iceberg growing at a phenomenal rate.

    Ebooks are being sold on six of the seven continents.


    But let’s end where we began, in Asia

    In Thailand Kobo is working hard to launch a Thai store, but meantime local retailer Ookbee has well over 80% of the market. Ookbee already has a three million strong customer base and is currently picking up new customers at the rate of 6,000 a day. Ookbee launched in Malaysia this summer, where it picked up 100,000 customers in its first two months.

    They are opening an ebook store in Vietnam where competition is already fierce from Aleeza and Biitbook `– Biitbook even has its own self-pub portal!

    Ebooks have been slow to come to the Philippines. But that all changed this month with the launch of the Kobo Philippines store, in partnership with the National Book Store chain, which now sells both print and ebooks to Filipinos.

    What if we told you National Book Store is not a translation from the local Tagalog language. Most of the signs in store – and most of the books – are in English? 

    There are 75 million English speakers in the Philippines. More than the entire population of the UK!

    Did we mention we launched Ebook Bargains S.E. Asia this week?

    China is not the easiest market to get into, but just this month OverDrive signed a major distribution deal with the Chinese authorities, which means their entire catalogue will be available to Chinese readers in due course.

    At Ebook Bargains UK we are trying to stay a few steps ahead as we watch the international ebook market blossom. What we lack in fancy high-tech websites and slick newsletters (that will come as the advertising revenue builds) we make up for in knowledge of the international ebook scene and unbridled enthusiasm. 

    We produce regular helpful newsletters for authors about how to reach and promote in these markets.

    We all know how difficult it is to break into a mature ebook market. Most best-selling indies got in to either the US or the UK markets very early on. Very few have managed to do well in both.

    But what is happening now is unprecedented in publishing history. In the old world, book distribution was physical. It was simply not viable to print and distribute English language books en masse even to countries like Australia or New Zealand, let alone Iceland or Indonesia, or Paraguay or Papua New Guinea.

    Digital changes all that. Here’s some numbers for you.

    There are about 150 million English-speakers in India, and while local languages books and ebooks
    are available, the ebook retailers’ sales report mostly English-language titles selling, and with increasing rapidity. The question is how to get your books noticed and bought in this huge potential market.

    Indians have been enjoying ebooks for several years. The Amazon India store is actually a bit of a late-comer. Way back in 2011 Indian retailers were selling Android tablets for... wait for it... $35. And buying ebooks from local stores like Flipkart, Infibeam and Pothi. Here’s Anne R. Allen in India’s Infibeam, the country’s second biggest ebook retailer after Flipkart. (OK, but that's the last one, guys...Anne)

    Flipkart? India’s on-line giant Flipkart has an estimated 80% market share. 

    As of this month Smashwords is distributing ebooks in India. 

    You can also upload direct to another key Indian ebook retailer, Pothi. Along with Amazon India that’s a great base from which to become a future indie best-seller on the sub-continent, if only readers there knew your books existed. (Say, did we mention we have an Ebook Bargains India newsletter?)

    But back to those numbers. When we said we expect the international English-language ebook market to dwarf the US market we weren’t joking.

    In just India, Pakistan and Nigeria, the number of English-speakers exceeds the entire population of the United States!

    And the rest of the world? Well, there’s upwards of 75 million English speakers in the Philippines as we’ve mentioned already. Over 40 million English speakers in Germany. 30 million in Bangladesh. 30 million in Egypt. 25 million in France. 20 million in Italy. 17 million in Thailand. 15 million in the Netherlands. 15 million in South Africa. 12 million in Poland. 12 million in Turkey. 11 million in Iraq. 10 million in Spain. 10 million in China.

    Then there’s Brazil, Sweden, Kenya, Cameroon, Malaysia, Russia, Belgium, Israel, Zimbabwe, Romania, Austria and Greece, all with between 5 and 10 million English speakers each.

    A very conservative estimate puts the number of English-speakers outside the USA at around 750 million, quite apart from the UK (60m) , Australia (20m), New Zealand (4m) and Canada (25m).

    Because of the logistics of print distribution English-language print books have never even begun to approach their true sales potential. Digital changes everything.

    And you have a chance to get a foot on the first rung of the international ladder now, before everyone else does.

    How to find and get into these retailers you’ve never heard of and promote in countries you thought were still reading on parchment? That’s where we come in.

    One small fee (and we do mean small – prices start at just $5 a day) will get you in however many international newsletters we have. Right now that’s $5 to appear in twelve newsletters going around the globe. The small fees reflect the small returns you should expect at this stage given these are nascent markets and our subscriber base is still building. Be realistic. But every paid ad gets a credit for a free ad of equal value, so effectively it’s two for one. And there are plenty of listing options. We’re a little bit different from all the other newsletters out there.

    You can find links to the daily newsletters on our Facebook page. And connect with us on Google+. You can subscribe to the reader newsletters by country /region, sign-up for the authors’ newsletter, or check out the author page on our website. 

    We all dream of becoming a truly international bestselling author. Ebook Bargains UK can help make that dream come true.
    ***

    Pretty amazing stuff, isn't it, scriveners? (Although I think the penguin community should lobby for an Antarctica ebook store.) The guys say they're going to check in on the blog when it goes live on Sunday (nighttime in the UK.) So ask your questions. I know I have some. Like how hard is it to get into all these bookstores? Ask away....

    Book Bargain of the Week

    Sale extended! No Place Like Home is still 99c
     on Amazon US, Amazon UK, and Amazon CA (and yes, after reading this post, I'm going to get my publisher to take it out of Select and make it available on other platforms, lickity split!...Anne)


    "A warp-speed, lighthearted comedy-mystery"...Abigail Padgett
    "A fun, charming novel about the rich and less so" ...Karen Doering
    "A cross of dry British humor and American wackiness, and it all adds up to a fun read." Deborah Bayles

    OPPORTUNITY ALERTS


    The Harper's Bazaar UK Short Story Prize is open to all writers. NO ENTRY FEE. Are you the next Dorothy Parker or Anita Loos? Submit an original short story (up to 3,000 words) on the subject of 'spring' to:shortstory@harpersbazaar.co.uk. The winning entry will appear in the May 2014 issue. Its author will be able to choose a first-edition book from Asprey's Fine and Rare Books Department to the value of £3,000 and enjoy a week-long retreat at Eilean Shona House, on the 2,000-acre private island off the west coast of Scotland where JM Barrie wrote his screenplay for Peter Pan. Deadline December 13th.

    The Rumpus has launched the Weekly Rumpus and is calling for submissions. They are interested in "sharp, fresh, original work that grapples with life as it is really lived and felt in the world today. We want writing that walks on a wire, questions conventions, conveys a vision." 1000-6000 words. Here's their submissions page.

    Quirk Books "Looking for Love" contest. They offer a $10,000 prize for the best quirky love story of 50,000 words or more. Visit the Quirk Books website to download the entry form or for further information. Quirk Books was founded in 2002 and publishes around 25 books each year. Their bestselling titles include Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. Entries close October 1.

    SMOKE AND MIRRORS podcasts. Get your short story recorded FREE for an online podcast! Fantastic publicity if your story is accepted by SMOKE AND MIRRORS. They broadcast about three stories a week. Spooky, dark tales preferred. No previous publication necessary. They judge on the story alone.

    WILD LIGHT CONTEST for poets. The $25 entry fee is a little pricey, but this is run by the prestigious Red Hen Press and offers a prize of $1,000 and publication in The Los Angeles Review. Submit up to three poems of up to 200 lines each. Deadline October 15, 2013.

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